"Alex really scares the shit out of me".
– He runs with scissors too, the bastard.
"I really liked the poem about the bloke looking at internet porn, it was very real life"
– Mind the keyboard.
"The poem about the dog is the best one"
– [checks poems] Er, whatever, thanks.
"I think the one about the little insects is really cute. You should publish that."
– I’m sorry you think it’s cute, I will try harder next time. Despite this it has been published, thanks for the vote of confidence.
"It’s nice but it doesn’t really rhyme does it?"
– Sorry. Some of them should only rhyme if you are very drunk or very stupid.
"What’s that all supposed to mean then?"
"Will you write a poem for my brother’s birthday card?"
"Why is everything you write soooo depressing?"
– Depressing, really? Wow, man what a bummer. Fixed: Try reading the words in the style of the Care Bears in league with Barney backed by Captain Pugwash – they make it sound much more upbeat.
"…for example, the scansion is all wrong."
– Are you using the same set of rules as me? [Note: for full set of rules see Mornington Crescent ISIHAC ]
"Do you write books as well?"
– Shhh. If I tell you people will only want to buy them.
"I don’t like love poems, you should write about something topical like the war in Iraq"
– Done. Enjoy "Lonely as a cloud" and its subtle critique of the Iraqui conflict.
– (Their choice of spelling, not mine).
"What is the Last Mistake all about? Is it about a bomb?"
– Yes. Well done.
"Why ‘Poems from the dark side’? Are you a Devil lover or something?"
– I prefer "demon lover" (where the first word no longer represents a noun).
"I particularly like your use of illterateive rhyming"
"Alex is a genius"
– Well spotted.
"Your biography is crap you should get a proper one done so we know a bit more about you because I think you are probably quite interesting to normal people."
– Thanks. Although, if I rewrite it I am worried the abnormal people might throw me out of their club.
"I think we should meet up, you intrigue me, I’ve never met anyone before who has a poetry website."
– A new game for you; try replacing the word "poetry" in the above sentence with one of the following: bandsaw, live-action-cannibalism, devil-worshipping, sphygmomanometer , train-spotting. Please let me know when you’ve collected the complete set (good luck with number two).
[Said on the phone at 2am by a girl Alex was hoping to meet and 'get to know better'] "Go on, write a poem about me now, pleeeeease"
– Errr, of course. [Writes poem, feels dirty, still doesn't get 'special cuddles']